Have you seen the graffiti on the academic podium?
Pretty funny, although I do empathize with the groundskeepers who had to scrub all of them off. But while this act of uppity college terrorism is pretty humorous, c’mon… priorities, guys. Now I’ve kept quiet mostly on what I think of Fountain Day’s cancellation but allow me to just say, if I REALLY want to stand ankle deep in pisswater and drink I will still stand ankle deep in pisswater and drink. That will pretty much define my upcoming summer. So, this brings me to the e-mail I am currently looking at. If you’re a student at U of A (or technically “of U at A”) then you most likely have this same information in your inbox right now from the fine folks at the University Police Department:
UPD is committed to the identification, arrest and prosecution of those responsible. A $1000 reward is being offered to anyone with information leading to the arrest and conviction of the persons responsible.
A $1,000 reward. If you’re a broke college student who suffers from as much unemployment as I do, you know this is a big deal. But more importantly, if you grew up idolizing the right people like I did, then you know that this is an oppurtunity to be a real life BOUNTY HUNTER.
So sit back and read how I captured the Graffiti Bandit!
It was a warm, sunny Wednesday morning… It had rained the previous two days and the concrete outside was still wet. From that alone I knew today was going to be a weird kind of day. Not because I somehow telepathically sensed another job coming in but because I knew I wasn’t going to wear my nice shoes when there are puddles and I was still going to put on a nice shirt and pants to at least show the world that I care. I mean, a little respect for how you present yourself never hurts, right? Back on track.
I stepped outside ready to go do some promotions for my favorite radio station, WCDB (I totally swear that’s what I was going to do if you’re reading this, Nicole) but fate had other plans for me. My iPhone had dinged and I knew what that meant: another case. I read the details and nodded my head, I knew this was a job only I could take. Or Boba Fett. Probably moreso Boba Fett.
Now your typical amateur Bounty Hunter would have started off right at the Academic Podium, near the small fountain, right where the WCDB promotional table was. Except I knew that he would be too smart for that and avoid the area because I was supposed to be there promoting. Little did he know that I wasn’t there. I wasn’t at the WCDB promotional table at all and didn’t plan on going. [Note: I swear to any WCDB e-board members reading this that I would have gone but I was busy with this. Cross my heart.] So I went to the next logical place, the Colonial Hall Dining Quad. A bandito mastermind as swift and cunning as he would be starving after an act of campus terrorism so heinous. I had narrowed down the four dining halls to Colonial under the assumption that the student would be an upperclassmen and a bit skeeved that he would miss out on his last Fountain Day. Brilliant detective work, if I may say so. But even still, my hunch was wrong and after
mooching commandeering a meal off of a colleague, he was nowhere to be found. It was at this point I realized I had no idea what he looked like and would have no idea what to look for even if he was there. Shoddy detective work, if I may say so. All of this detective-ing and eat-ing had made me tired and I needed a well deserved nap under a tree. This was easier said than done, considering the University had chopped down every tree to make volleyball courts or something. By the time I could locate one of the three trees still left standing, I collapsed and slept.
I didn’t wake up until hours later. Tabling for WCDB had long finished so there was no reason at all for me to check over there. For clues, I mean. But wouldn’t you know it, that same fate that had sent my phone the e-mail, had placed me laying just a mere 20 feet from where the Graffiti Bandit was working on his latest creation. In my earlier exhausted state I failed to notice that I was collapsing in a big ol’ mud pile but now in this situation I realized it had created the perfect camouflage for me; he had no idea I was sneaking up on him. Going in for the strike. Going in for the ONE THOUSAND EFFING DOLLARS.
I pounced. He was too startled to fight back. Either that or he was wondering why this mud covered hobo with Chartwells breath was on top of him (I knew I should have worn my nice shoes. The ones for rainy days make me look like I’m homeless.) But no matter what he would try to do I had him pinned. And I want on record, that I did win and that I did pin the Graffiti Bandit because what happened next forced me to compromise. Fate, which had twice helped me in my journey, came back for a third time. Another ping from my phone as I was ready to place the cuffs on him. An e-mail from the President of the Student Association telling us, the students, to act rationally. To not do anything brash in protest that will compromise what they are working towards. I gave myself one look and hadn’t recognized what I had become. I backed off the Bandit and looked at my reflection in the phone. This is no way for justice to be served.
I now realize that this whole Fountain Day mess isn’t for us to take care of. We must let the people who know what they’re doing and those who know how to react in a peaceful manner take care of this. I would quote Martin Luther King about how this kind of action just leads to a compromise of the original principle but then I realized how offensive it would be to quote anyone important about a subject matter so trivial. It’s only a fountain people.
And Nicole, I swear all of the above is completely, 100% true. That’s why I didn’t go to the table today. I swear.
If you’re a sleazy politician, a no-good gangster or a seductive dame you can hire James Mecker for Bounty Hunting on Twitter @JamesMeckerWHAT. Also, listen to his radio show on www.wcdbfm.com on Tuesdays from 4pm-6pm.