An Open Letter to All You Tall People

Dear Tall People,

Well the calender turned to Spring two days ago (ahead of the weather but that’s something else) so that means one thing is coming: outdoor concerts and music festivals. Now, whether we’re talking about the extravagantly expensive festivals like Lollapalooza or the small, local, kind of smelly events like our own Park Fest, there’s one common truth that I want to share with you. Get the fuck out of the way and stop being so Goddamn tall.

"Who's playing? Is that Stevie Nicks? Guys, is Stevie Nicks on?"

I’m a 5’5″ man and unfortunately when it comes to the height bell curve that puts me not to high above the ground. In other words, when I meet someone shorter than myself I make a wish as if I’ve just seen a shooting star. The world has handed us short men no favors, and every success one of us achieves deserves to be praised and celebrated. Honestly, Tom Cruise is a hero to me and in no right, sensible world should that ever be the case for anyone. But this letter to you isn’t for me to vent my frustrations, for you see I’ve managed to do quite well despite my vertical disabilities and have compensated with my stunning looks, fantastic clothes and aggressive Napoleon Complex. No, what this letter serves as is a request for you to please look behind you and be considerate to my kind. We aren’t as blessed and can’t get a good view from of the stage from certain/most areas like you can. Our options as to where we can stand are limited to very certain hotspots, such as right up next to the stage and nowhere else, so excuse us if we seem rude pushing ourselves up to the front but you need to understand our predicament.

It is only through your sympathy do we stand a chance of enjoying the show as much as you, who (whom?) can see the stage from wherever. And come on, you know these tickets were kind of pricey and not worth it so please, allow us the chance to at least attempt to justify the expense in our minds. In a perfect world, you and I can both be equally underwhelmed by a performance from our favorite indie bands, there will be no heightism in the workplace forcing me to wear ugly, invisible height increasing shoes, and maybe, just maybe we can call each other… friends.

 

James Mecker has been an advocate for short people equal rights since the 7th grade when everyone got a growth spurt but him.

 

Follow Up Letter:


Dear Group of Ten Hot Girls Holding Hands Pushing Their Way to the Front of the Crowd,

Stop that shit. You’re annoying and your clothes are tacky.

Sincerely,
Everyone

P.S. Despite that, I’m still interested :sexy wink:

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